


The Crayon Song

by Skittlethrill



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Gen, Tasers, That's it, The Crayon Song, crackfic, skin colour crayon problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-26 23:15:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20397745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skittlethrill/pseuds/Skittlethrill
Summary: The RDR2 Gang performs the Crayon Song. It goes as well as you expect.





	The Crayon Song

**Author's Note:**

> This is in no way accurate, ever, I just thought "this would be funny to write" and wrote it within 2 hours, no beta.

“Hey, kids! Welcome to The Wonderful Show’s Imaginary Fun Learning Emporium-Palooza Extravaganza Hour - For Kids!”

There were 9 performers in the crayon box, all dressed as various colours. All but one, they happily smiled and waved at the camera, before filing out in front onto the stage. A young woman, her hair in ringlets around her shoulders, was the red crayon, and as the music started, it was clear she was going to be the first one.

The crayons bounced along to the music before Mary-Beth cheerfully sang. “Hello, kids, I’m the colour red! And I brought my friends to teach you ‘bout them!” The various other crayons were waving comically, except for one. “They’re the colour of all the things you see, and red is me; the colour of awesome things!” She began counting things on her fingers. “Like hearts, and roses, and Mars! But most importantly-”

It was at this point that the black crayon - Micah - stepped through the ring and right behind Mary-Beth.

“-love, love, love, love, love!”

“Blood, blood, blood, blood, blood.” The black crayon said, trying to overtake her voice.

“Hooray!” The crayons cheered, a bit unsure of what happened but nonetheless twirling along with the dance. Mary-Beth took one final glance at Micah before continuing with the dance.

The next crayon was obviously orange, by the colours of the rainbow and his hair. “Hi, I’m orange like mac and cheese!” Sean greeted, his Irish accent shining through. “Let’s name other orange things now if ya please! Ya got pumpkins and tigers and the desert sand!”

Micah leaned in again.

“-monarch butterflies-”

“Prescription bottles.” The black crayon said once more. Sean glanced back at Micah, trying to resume his song.

“...are yas orange friends! La la la la la la, cheese!”

“Pills!” Micah interjected at the last part, although the way they said it, it sounded more like “Chills”.

“Hooray!” The crayons twirled once more, and Sean and Mary-Beth snuck a nervous glance at Micah. “The hell are ya doin’?” Sean asked.

“What I was born to do.”

The next crayon was yellow, and her hair matched too, in ringlets. “If you can probably guess, yellow’s pretty fun-”

“Jaundice!” Micah called out.

Karen had to hold back her grumbles until her verse was done. “You can find it on a bus, or the rays of the sun!”

“Jaundice!” Micah spat in Sean’s face.

“If you ask me, yellow’s number one!”

“Liver failure!” The black crayon shouted.

“If you like yellow, and sour, then try a lemon!”

“Jaundice!” Micah called out once more, and the crayons, fearing for their lives, cheered “Jaundice!” with him as they twirled around, cycling green into the spotlight.

“Dangit!” Karen screamed in frustration, and Sean shot her a sympathetic look.

Green was a mustachioed man with unkempt, auburn hair, and it was obvious he had been drinking the night before judging by the bags under his eyes.

“I once ate a bug that was the colour green, and the ER said it was a poisonous thing.” 

In the background, Arthur - the purple crayon - broke his fake smile as concern began to show.

Swanson’s words were slurred as he stumbled about. “So that explains why I threw up green, and inside that green there were chunks of green!”

Mary-Beth looked at the other performers, wondering if this was a joke as Micah’s head bobbed along to the music.

“I bet you wish you hadn’t listened to green.” The man put his hands up like all the other crayons as they gave a half-hearted “Hooray…?”

“Why didn’t you change that one?” Javier, the blue crayon, asked.

“I like that verse.” Was Micah’s curt reply.

Javier readied himself for his verse, eager to be the centre of attention. “The ocean’s a place where many-”

“Nightmares!” Micah was more aggressive here, interrupting the Mexican.

“...Creatures live, it’s a deep blue sea that’s mysterious-” 

“And it’ll kill you to death!” Micah butted in this time, replacing Javier. “Especially if you are on Titanic, so let that  _ sink _ in. Pun intended.”

“Hooray!” Swanson cheered, although it was out of drunken innocence. Karen also gave a very afraid “Hooray” as well, the others horrified at Micah’s mutilation of the song.

“Don’t blow this for us!” Arthur butted in - as the purple crayon, he was next. Micah grumbled as he stepped off, and the others breathed a sigh of relief as he left.

The music resumed, and the rest of the crayons got back into their usual smiles and dance.

“Purple is the colour of many different things, from the lilac-” Arthur was interrupted as Micah returned with a vengeance, pulling out a taser and knocking him out. The others screamed, backing against the crayon box of the set. Javier was the most vocal of all of them.

Micah aimed the taser to the others, and they all backed away further, except for Swanson who was still dancing. Micah looked to the brown crayon - Kieran, and made a gesture for him to stand where Arthur once stood.

“Hooray.” Swanson cheered to Karen’s disbelief, although it had lost all his cheerfulness.

Kieran was a gangly, nervy young man, and he was obviously fearing for his life as he approached cautiously. “I guess it’s my turn…there are brown things like dirt. I, uh, can’t remember the words.” The others could only watch in horror as Kieran was forced to sing and dance.

Micah held the taser up again.

“P-please don’t hurt.” Kieran cowered at the sight, adding a “Me” at the end. It was in vain as Micah struck him and he collapsed.

White was Sadie, and Mary-Beth whispered “Careful, careful” to her as she stepped out.

“White things include-” Sadie exclaimed as she tried to snatch the taser from Micah, and the two grappled for power.

“All broken bones!” Micah snatched the taser back, swiping at Sadie as she evaded his attacks. 

“And doves and paper!”

“And rabies foam!”

Sadie couldn’t outrun Micah however, and it wasn’t long before he had chased her off. “There’s ivory!” She screamed as she found refuge behind Javier and Mary-Beth.

“Worth a lot of money.” Micah stopped, much to her relief as he addressed the camera. “If you wanna buy some then email me.”

Swanson was still the only one who cheered “Hooray”, even if it was clear he too feared for his life. “Hooray.” He repeated. Karen and Sean clung to each other. 

It was finally Micah’s turn. “Black is the colour of emptiness, I feel it in my soul ‘cause I’m an emotional mess-”

A battle cry sounded out as Arthur bodychecked him off stage. The other crayons screamed again as the purple crayon brushed himself off. “Take care of the body, shove ‘im up a kids nose or something.”

“Back to normal!” Kieran cheered, having got up.

The others cheered as they got back into formation. Arthur rolled his eyes, giving a half-hearted cheer. The music started up again, only to be interrupted once more.

“I’m the last crayon in the box, you see!” Lenny sang as he butted past everyone else, a microphone in his hand. “And the colour that they assigned to me, is THIS!”

Lenny showed off the label on his crayon - it read “skin colour”, and the other crayons stared mostly in awkward, uncomfortable confusion. Javier bit his lip. 

“Just think about that for one moment.” Lenny held his hand out and dropped the mic. Arthur gave him a reassuring pat.  
  



End file.
